Weird and Wonderfull life

  Lewis Carroll had to enter a world of imagination to find his weird characters, me, I find mine in ASDA, more acuratley, South Shields ASDA. Tesco and Morrisons seem to attract sane, capeable of thought people, Asda is where its at. I think it has to do with reaching the top of the escalator, high altitude and thinning of the air which causes people to become irrational of thought and turn crazy.

   This lady isnt weird but ever so sweet. Thumbing through a Radio Times I get a nudge from a little old lady who informs me that Asda upstairs have just boiled the kettle and there is a cup of tea waiting for me. Bless her I thought. ” Is there cake included with that”, ” oh yes, chocolate as well.” She left happy, followed by her daughter mouthing “sorry”……

   Bitch was lying of course as when I asked where my tea and cake was, the staff just looked at me and said, press the button for tea there and cake is £2.75 but the fondant fancies are only £1.00 with a drink….we dont have fondant facies but Bacon sandwich is incluided in the deal. I have of course embelished this story by incorporating two stories. I just loved the latter story for its deal and the fact that the staff member would have fitted in any Little Britain sketch.

  I have also been told off in Asda for letting my children run riot in the aisles.(The irony) Apparently my kids were knocking everyone over and hitting people. Pointing out they were not my children and think they belong to her over there, pointing to a mass of gold and tattoos on a women who would probably rip your head off and spit down your neck. Needless to say the woman just went “oh” and walked away. Hang on, you wont tackle her for obvious reasons but did you look at me and think, he would have horrible kids and if he does kick off, I could take him in a fight.

  I have similiar problems in B&Q and Lidles. B&Q I understand, ” Do you have a rubber coated flange connector for a 16mm hose pipe”, happens more often than you think. Going in often and looking like a plumber, my work ID tag probabley does make me look like I work there. Whereas Lidles, there is no excuse. Having a packet of Norwegian Bourbons shoved under my nose and asked how much are these. When politely telling them I dont work here, I dont expect to be tutted at as if Its my fault I dont know…..Hey ho

I originally posted this on thelaughtercafe website which you should check out.

Let me take you back to the good old days of the 80s when Newcastle had a C & A and BHS where my story starts…I know what your thinking, whats a trendy guy like Richard doing in BHS, but they were refitting the shop out and there was a sale on, a sign I cant resist. Anyway, I went in and found a nice pair of jeans on sale and took them to try them on. For some reason the fitters thought it a wise idea to put the makeshift changing facility slap bang in the middle of the shop near the entrance. still I went in, took my trousers off and just about to slip into the jeans when a voice from the otherside of the curtains says, ” Try this one, Im sure its free” and opens the curtain. In her panic she quickly reshuts the curtain, but too hard which causes the pole to fall down. The noise and panic from the assistant of course causes the entire shop to look round and even passers by just happened to glance in. I dont know who was more mortified, me or the assistant.Poor assistant then tries desperatly to hold the curtain up as I slip back into my trousers apologising constantly for what seemed like hours but was probably minutes. I left trying to leave with dignity and an aire of brovado like I didnt care, with the entire shop smiling or giggling into there hankies…….Needless to say, I didnt buy the jeans.