Weird and Wonderfull life

I have been reporting on the weird things that have happened to me, but have also been reading some weird and most definitely not wonderful stories that have been happening to others. I say not wonderful but in part, the stories are sooo ridiculous, you have to laugh, even though they also make you mad, or is that just me?…For example.  
    The ambulance driver in Scotland who received a speeding fine for rushing a much needed donor organ to a critically ill patient, waiting to be operated on…. Your thinking, well its just a mistake and will be waivered, but oh no, the fine stands and all ambulance drivers have to slow down to speed limit in this part of Scotland where there are speed cameras. The E.U which is thinking of banning stocking fillers as  items MIGHT cause problems for kids. The child asked to take down his pirate flag in his garden as this could be  seen to be promoting the practice of pirating DVDs and music. And not forgetting the mother and toddlers coffee morning, who banned hot drinks in fear of spillages even with cups with lids.
   But this is why I think we need ‘ The sensible police’. An organisation, like the court of human rights, who look at individual cases like the above and overrule on idiotic bureaucratic decisions that are viewed as a total farce. Oh yes, I am ready to give up my job to take on this role. If we don’t act now, where will we be in 50 years time. 
   If there are any proposals going through the system and you would like to consider me for the role, to help you decide if I am fit for the role, I would:-
●     Put a picture of all those who voted to fine the ambulance driver in all offices and ambulances within the NHS. See how long it takes them to get to hospital with a burst appendix.
●     Ban Christmas for all E.U members who vote for banning stockings at Christmas.
●     Tar and feather  the decision maker who made a child take down the flag AND make him walk the plank…off a cliff.
●      Make the councillors in charge of the decision to ban hot beverages at a coffee morning, to 5 years hard labour, looking after triplets aged 2 -7, without the aid of tablets or caffeine based stimulants…..or alcohol.

References on request.

Ive never been the hard manly type, i know that has come as a big suprise to everyone, but there it, its out in the open. Even at 5 my Brother had to take me out of Bambi half way through as i sobbed uncontrolably, a film to this day i have never seen the end of. I know being walt disney they all will live happily ever after, but still have horrible feeling that Thumper gets mixamitosis and has to be shot in the head.
Its only the animals in film i feel this way about, not humans. I can watch populations being vampired to death or masacared by army rampaging aliens, but when they cut to the defensless dog trapped by some killing beast my heart sinks and i scream out ” NO NOT THE DOG” . Cineworld still hold my picture on file for that.
Even the film Alien. My brother goes mad that sigourney goes back for the cat and no one would do that for a dumb animal…but you see i would. Had i gone off leaving the cat, id have tears streaming down my face shouting ” NO NOT THE CAT”. As for the other 2 idiot humans, well id leave them in an instant.” BYEEE, ILL NAME THE KITTENS AFTER YOU”.

Dont think I endeared myself to the sports teacher either, football and rugby I hated which made up 98% of my sports period. We played tennis once during wimbledon, cricket twice and 400/800 metres 2 weeks before sports day.
You could tell who was going to get A’s at sport as Mr Gibson would know their names.. I was, “You boy, thingy” for first 2 years. I scraped by with a C, mostly due to, I could hit a ball at tennis, head spring over a vaulting horse without breaking my neck and run 800 metres without stopping. Thanks to the gay bashing bullies who would chase me a mile throwing balls and bricks and the number of fences and hedges i had to head spring over to escape, put me in good stead. Thanks boys.

Someone said” unlucky with money, your lucky in love”, if I met that person at a party I would twat them.
Ive never been lucky in either. Whenever I got ahead financially, something major would happen. “What you mean I need a new heating system”…”HOW MUCH”…
And as for my love life, well lets just say, a Chewbacca, a dwarf and many freaks and crazies.
Now the problem I have is that im average and straight acting, no dont laugh when im not moving or talking i am quite butch….ok still laughing…RUDE. So in bars i am the straight friend or the one not bothering about. And im not the forthright brave one. If I see someone I like, I automattically think theyre out of my league.
I did jump out of a window chasing a hottie and give this startled fella my number on woodpecker beer mat (not my proudest moment) and he never did call.
Ive tried internet dating, a joyous pastime that my pub quiz friends of late have found hilarious. Firstly cause hardly anyone responds but mostly at those who have. Even more so at those I went out with.
I nearly ended up going out with a fella who later I found out liked dressing as a black and white minstrel…in a clowns outfit. Partly lucky he dumped me before meeting up yet cant help feeling if I cant get him what chance do I have.
Its not like im fussy anyway. Anyone who knows me as long as there kind,caring,average looking….oh yes nice arse. Im hooked.
And if one more person says ” mr rights just round the corner” or ” you tend to find someone when you stop looking”. Ill twat them too.
Well its euromillions roleover tonight. Off to buy a ticket now from a shop around the corner.

British Leyland Metro..That was my first car and I loved it. £950 which admittadly was £930 tooo much. It rarely started first time and wd40 profits went through the roof thanks too me. HILLS WAS ITS NEMESIS. Bensham bank required me to take a run upto it, taking the roundabout in 4th at 30 miles an hour minimum as by the time i got upto the top i was back in 1st praying id make it. It wasnt crap, it was eccentric and i loved it. But it had to go. A month of selling it, i had my brother in law ( police radio operator) ring to ask if C 345 metro was my car. Turns out it was a get away car in a jewelry heist. Basically the police ran after it and just tripped the car up. Shittest get away driver ever. I have visions of him getting beat up in prison for it.

Next car was the begining of my love affair with the escort. I loved my first one it never broke down and lovely too drive. But it got old and had to be put down. So looked around for an eye catching base pumping sexy looking car….i got a volvo 440. Dont laugh, i loved that car. Heated armchair seats. What wasnt there to love about it. But it got old and expensive and had to go.

There it was was waiting for me. Purple Ford Escort. I just had to have it. We were best of friends, never broke down. When it took ill once, it got me home to the gates where i coasted it into my parking space. Next day with a new pace maker fitted, he was back to normal…. But he got old. Taking him in for his medical check up, the doctor took me too one side and said Richard (he knew me) we have put him on life support but think its time to let him go. Hes suffering and its only going to get worse. With a broken heart and holding back the tears i took him for a final drive to the morgue. I swear tears rolled down its lamp as i walked away. I vowed it could never be replaced and mourned for two years without replacing him. That and got nowt for him and working for a charity meant i coulnt afford a bike let alone a car.
But i have a 2nd job now and have a new Nissan Primera and you know what, i love it. Reckon we we will be best friends for awhile.

  Lewis Carroll had to enter a world of imagination to find his weird characters, me, I find mine in ASDA, more acuratley, South Shields ASDA. Tesco and Morrisons seem to attract sane, capeable of thought people, Asda is where its at. I think it has to do with reaching the top of the escalator, high altitude and thinning of the air which causes people to become irrational of thought and turn crazy.

   This lady isnt weird but ever so sweet. Thumbing through a Radio Times I get a nudge from a little old lady who informs me that Asda upstairs have just boiled the kettle and there is a cup of tea waiting for me. Bless her I thought. ” Is there cake included with that”, ” oh yes, chocolate as well.” She left happy, followed by her daughter mouthing “sorry”……

   Bitch was lying of course as when I asked where my tea and cake was, the staff just looked at me and said, press the button for tea there and cake is £2.75 but the fondant fancies are only £1.00 with a drink….we dont have fondant facies but Bacon sandwich is incluided in the deal. I have of course embelished this story by incorporating two stories. I just loved the latter story for its deal and the fact that the staff member would have fitted in any Little Britain sketch.

  I have also been told off in Asda for letting my children run riot in the aisles.(The irony) Apparently my kids were knocking everyone over and hitting people. Pointing out they were not my children and think they belong to her over there, pointing to a mass of gold and tattoos on a women who would probably rip your head off and spit down your neck. Needless to say the woman just went “oh” and walked away. Hang on, you wont tackle her for obvious reasons but did you look at me and think, he would have horrible kids and if he does kick off, I could take him in a fight.

  I have similiar problems in B&Q and Lidles. B&Q I understand, ” Do you have a rubber coated flange connector for a 16mm hose pipe”, happens more often than you think. Going in often and looking like a plumber, my work ID tag probabley does make me look like I work there. Whereas Lidles, there is no excuse. Having a packet of Norwegian Bourbons shoved under my nose and asked how much are these. When politely telling them I dont work here, I dont expect to be tutted at as if Its my fault I dont know…..Hey ho

I originally posted this on thelaughtercafe website which you should check out.

Let me take you back to the good old days of the 80s when Newcastle had a C & A and BHS where my story starts…I know what your thinking, whats a trendy guy like Richard doing in BHS, but they were refitting the shop out and there was a sale on, a sign I cant resist. Anyway, I went in and found a nice pair of jeans on sale and took them to try them on. For some reason the fitters thought it a wise idea to put the makeshift changing facility slap bang in the middle of the shop near the entrance. still I went in, took my trousers off and just about to slip into the jeans when a voice from the otherside of the curtains says, ” Try this one, Im sure its free” and opens the curtain. In her panic she quickly reshuts the curtain, but too hard which causes the pole to fall down. The noise and panic from the assistant of course causes the entire shop to look round and even passers by just happened to glance in. I dont know who was more mortified, me or the assistant.Poor assistant then tries desperatly to hold the curtain up as I slip back into my trousers apologising constantly for what seemed like hours but was probably minutes. I left trying to leave with dignity and an aire of brovado like I didnt care, with the entire shop smiling or giggling into there hankies…….Needless to say, I didnt buy the jeans.