TALL & LANKY
It would appear that of late, that I have suddenly grown a few inches, not only in circumference, but length wise too, something which has repeatedly become a problem when buying clothes lately. All I want is a nice shirt that is long enough to tuck in my trousers and stay tucked in, a jumper/ hoodie thats long enough to cover my belly and a blazer I can fasten and when I lift my arms up, the...
President of the world.
This blog might be more of a whinge than a story but I have solutions to all the problems in the world. So I’ve decided to become president of the world and jotted down a manifesto to get your votes. SUPERMARKETS. Any child who has to attend the supermarket must be handcuffed to the trolley at all times, thus preventing unsupervised monsters from running into you or in front of your trolley....
I’m sitting here freezing cause Basil ( my cat), is cuddled up on my knee, which is such a rarity, that I don’t want to disturb him and turn on the heating. It’s made me think, Who’s in charge? Who’s the daft one? As anyone who owns a cat will tell you, ” They are”. They whine to get exactly what they want and they know how exactly to manipulate you to get it. We are not owners, we are slaves....
Diet today, rampaging murder tomorrow.
The diet starts today and the killing will probably start tomorrow. The decision was taken after seeing a picture of me on Facebook, lying back on a sofa, looking like a beached whale. Everyone waving their arms while I look like I have a slice of pizza aiming itself towards my mouth, with my belly taking up half the photo. This is my apiffiny. In 18 months time Ill be on the cover of woman...
New year resolution
New year and new resolutions have been made and not a minute too soon. I met my friend at Morrisons supermarket and after finishing a cuppa tea, made our way outside. But then in panic, I saw a young woman, transfixed solely on me and without hesitation , ploughed her way through the crowd, knocking people over who stood in her way. Before I could run away, the woman caught up to me and...
Memory? what memory?
One of the reasons for doing this blog is I have one of the worst memories in history. Faces from years ago, I can recall the fact I have seen them before, ask me to put a name to them or how I know them and you could come back to me 2 days later and I’d be slumped over the table saying “ No idea, I haven’t a clue.” “Oh what’s that Greek God called you know, thingy, oh man I think it...
To tell you all my embarrassing stories would require me to write an encyclopaedia of mishaps and funny situation…oh now there’s an idea…. But here’s one or two sketches for now. Working for Pizza Hut I became a trainer for the North East, helping to open a number of restaurants. I moved to one restaurant where I was to be based and helped to train up the staff and generally look after them...
Important things in life - Family
Some things are more important than others in life and I had to learn this the hard way.Some things that are have always been close and important are my friends and family who have stood by me through thick and thin. Im the 4th sibling in the family, Jean and Bob are the older of the siblings…I wont give ages as my sister will beat me, taking years off me till I’m the same age as them....
The Sensible Police
I have been reporting on the weird things that have happened to me, but have also been reading some weird and most definitely not wonderful stories that have been happening to others. I say not wonderful but in part, the stories are sooo ridiculous, you have to laugh, even though they also make you mad, or is that just me?…For example. The ambulance driver in Scotland who received a...
Every year my mum and I would do our yearly pilgrim trip to Lincolnshire to visit my Aunties and Uncle. A time in my life I remember with fondness and love. There was something special about Burton upon Stather that I can’t put my finger on, whether it was being in the country, the stepping back in time or being with my Uncle and Aunts, the combination of all three was magical. The...
I could be a contender
My sister the other day got me thinking about what new sport I should take up. Talking about Olympics and how well Team GB were doing, we discussed what sports we should do. I suggested synchronised swimming but don’t think sis is up for wearing a nose clip and tying her hair up in a bun. But thinking about it later, what sport should I try. No Laura, I’m still not going to take up wrestling,...
Gardening and the Middle East
From my work as a gardener, I know the benefits that working with plants can have. Ive seen feuding adults come together over potted plants and work together to create a dream garden. These are benefits widely known within the gardening world. I mean,how many angry gardeners do you see on telly. You never see the equivalant of Marco Pierre White, swearing or attacking people on gardeners world....
Tv or not tv
Of late, people have been asking me if I have seen blah blah on telly, or urty berti gerty and have come to realise that I very rarely watch tv. Yes Ive heard of the programs they talk about and people seem to think I would like the programmes in question, but Im never in and dread the thought of having to watch a complete series for 27 weeks. But I have started to compare tv of today, with tv...
Millenium part 2
Alas the millenium wasnt to be all that it promised for me. Depression began to take hold of me and for a couple of years I found myself in a dark, dangerous place where I thought I wouldnt escape from. I thought about wether to include this in my blog, as I wanted to keep this a light hearted blog, but as this played an important and significant part of my life, I thought I should, for the...
Where were you when the Millenium chimes struck. I was in Whickham, Whickham social club to be exact. My good friend Laura had arranged the gang to see the New Year in at the club and the dress code was FANCY DRESS. We decided that we should all dress as a Mr Men Characters, yes thats right, the cartoon characters off the telly. I was Mr Bump, dressed in blue with a cardboard cut out stuck...
weird on the internet
My weird world has transcended onto the internet now and found its way to me via my phone. I’ve just deleted a number of spam emails with headings for ‘Medication that I need’. How does spogggcrok or mkbsgyhsmk know what medication I need and do they really think I’m going to buy tablets from someone going by the name of spogggcrok or mkbsgyhsmk. Of course the obligatory Willie enlarger, or as...
Living in the 90s
The end of the 80s saw me leave school and a week later, walk into my first job. Pizza Hut. Woah now theres a blog. I met some colourful characters in there and the stories I could tell. Most of them so unbelievable that it would make Dallas look tame. Although I am still friends with many from these days, I can calmly write this without offending anyone as all those on Facebook are not included...
Living in the 80s
And boy did I. By 86 I had discovered alcohol and pubs and despite always looking younger than my age, I never got stopped for i.d mores the pity. Friday night was drink night and lets face it, any night with a Y in it was drink night. Cider, followed by a gin and a dash of lemonade, then a 20/20 followed by a Thunderbird. 20/20 certainly wasnt my vision by that point and couldnt describe...
Fashion That’s something else me and David Beckham DONT have in common. David can wear anything even a surong and radiate fashion and good looks, whereas I tend to suck all the fashion out of clothes. Ive even made Fashion students give up a career when they see me in their designs. Stick a Paul Smith outfit on me and it looks like Primark final reduction. Its my own fault, maybe if I shopped...
HARD AS JELLY.
Ive never been the hard manly type, i know that has come as a big suprise to everyone, but there it, its out in the open. Even at 5 my Brother had to take me out of Bambi half way through as i sobbed uncontrolably, a film to this day i have never seen the end of. I know being walt disney they all will live happily ever after, but still have horrible feeling that Thumper gets mixamitosis and has to...
Growing up in the 70s - Toys
As you might have guessed, growing up in the 70s was the age of playing and remember with fondness the toys of the age. The space Hopper. Big orange and bouncy and was probably the best exercise regime around at the time. Racing each other round the green which must have been a good 300 metres from start to finish and would fill in a good 5 mins hopping round and whoever won was always accused...
Growing up in the 70s - the music
Still in the 70s and when dance music was proper dance music, wether on foot or on roller skates, the music back then had to be danced too. The local church had a seasonal DISCO on, which would be split into 2 halves. First would be the young ones, which yes, the catogory I fit into. With my flared Jeans, basketball sneakers and Muppet T-shirt, I would strutt my funky stuff and Boogie on down...
Growing up in the 70s - The Heap
Childhood in the 70s was like formula 1 racing. You ran around outside in all weather till someone called you in. Someone would hold you up,check you over for damage, change your shell if necessarry and feed you fuel, and when all was done, lowered you down where you ran out the house to carry on running around. Mid 70s saw my street get modernised, a sad time for me as the open coal fire...
Now thats something I thought I would never do. Become older and loose sight of what the younger ones are doing. But I found myself the other day unable to answer any questions on what is trending in the music charts. Chris Brown, Nicki Minaj, Azealia Banks (feat. Lazy Jay) and when you have to name that intro on song pop, well unless its the 80s/90s, I dont stand a chance. I havent...
Now theres a subject. I try not to be a hater of things and people, but somethings do press my buttons. More and more of late i see myself pressing that big red button and flushing something down the shoot. Someone can be talking away, saying something annoying or boring and flush..ive pressed that big red button and i imagine them dissapearing into oblivion. My first big hate…Umberellas. I know...
Stop the world I want to get off.
I’ve always been drawn to the eccentrics and those who shunned civilisation, to leave the modern world behind and live a more secluded life among nature. The more I see of the way the world is going and the craziness the world is becoming, the more I want to stop the world and get off. I don’t believe in re-incarnation but If I did get regressed id probably be a gypsy or Grizzly Adams. Give...
Someone said” unlucky with money, your lucky in love”, if I met that person at a party I would twat them. Ive never been lucky in either. Whenever I got ahead financially, something major would happen. “What you mean I need a new heating system”…”HOW MUCH”… And as for my love life, well lets just say, a Chewbacca, a dwarf and many freaks and crazies. Now the problem I have is that im average...
British Leyland Metro..That was my first car and I loved it. £950 which admittadly was £930 tooo much. It rarely started first time and wd40 profits went through the roof thanks too me. HILLS WAS ITS NEMESIS. Bensham bank required me to take a run upto it, taking the roundabout in 4th at 30 miles an hour minimum as by the time i got upto the top i was back in 1st praying id make it. It wasnt crap,...
My weird and wonderful life 2
Lewis Carroll had to enter a world of imagination to find his weird characters, me, I find mine in ASDA, more acuratley, South Shields ASDA. Tesco and Morrisons seem to attract sane, capeable of thought people, Asda is where its at. I think it has to do with reaching the top of the escalator, high altitude and thinning of the air which causes people to become irrational of thought and turn...
THE WEIRD AND WONDERFUL WORLD OF ME.
I thought about doing this blogg as I have increasingly began to find my world becoming increasingly insane (which I like) and decided to part write it down as memoires for myself but also to share whith anyone else who finds it as mad and wonderful as myself. I should say at this point that you people, thats family, friends and facebookers, you all fit in the wonderful section…well except you, no...
Not bizarre but funny
I originally posted this on thelaughtercafe website which you should check out. Let me take you back to the good old days of the 80s when Newcastle had a C & A and BHS where my story starts…I know what your thinking, whats a trendy guy like Richard doing in BHS, but they were refitting the shop out and there was a sale on, a sign I cant resist. Anyway, I went in and found a nice pair of...
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